I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
