happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
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