I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
