tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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