On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
