He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
