Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
