no, he came in my armpit
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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