i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
