i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
