mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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