you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
either way he was missing a nipple.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
