Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize