A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
