Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's the barista slut.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
