Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
