piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
