My hand turned me down
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
