He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
