Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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