Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
