I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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