I'm laying in your front yard are you home
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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