FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
