You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Welp...herpes.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
