remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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