Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
