This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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