Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
