i think i have herpe
just one?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He has the fingertips of a God
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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