Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
