my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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