I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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