what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
