im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
