I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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