Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
