I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
