I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Two words: nipple clamps
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