How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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