Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
