Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
