We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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