Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
