lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
