you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
