i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
be right there i have to get my cape
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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