it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
