So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
