I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
