guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
