Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
