She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
