Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
