I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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