Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize