I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize