I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
